Counting Sheep

It’s one in the morning, why am I still awake? How long have I been awake? Does it even matter? Who cares?

The sandcastle is crumbling. The illusion is shattered. We’re back to what it was before. More sleepless nights. More silent tears. More people pointing fingers. More people blaming instead of helping. More people breaking other people’s hearts.

I always seem to end up getting blamed for things that I have no control of. I always seem to end up suffering from the actions of adults who should have known better.

Sometimes I question why I’m here not because I am philosophically curious but because I genuinely don’t understand. Sometimes I would start thinking that I have it figured out then life would suddenly pull the rug from under me and I am left barely hanging on.

I guess there was a part of me that always suspects things are too good to be true but I chose to ignore because as much as possible I want to delay facing the truth. What’s the truth? That everything is a lie. That everything is an illusion. That there is no more bond that truly connects us more than our need to keep appearances.

Sometimes it is far easier to just see the world in rose colored glasses. The sandcastle is long gone. Swept away by the wave. All that is left is a memory of it. A memory and a trail of tears.

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*I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors. Proofreading via mobile is a challenge for me.*

(freewriting) My Heart’s Little Home

It seemed I only blog when I’m down. I only blog when I feel too much emotion but can’t seem too when my brain is overflowing with thoughts. I’m starting to become an emotional writer. Not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.

I’m a very opinionated person but when it comes to my emotions, this is the only way I can vent out. I’m never the type to actually say how I feel. Writing has always been my way of expressing myself. It’s just easier that way.

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I'll post bright and sunny photos to distract you from how gloomy this all is. Hope it works.

It’s easier to just write it down so they don’t hear me choke in tears. It’s easier to write it down because then my heart can break in silence and nobody has to hear it. It’s easier this way because then I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

It doesn’t even matter if nobody reads it. It doesn’t matter if someone reads and doesn’t care.

My blog is the cemetery of my thoughts. This is where they all go, get written, die and buried. This is where I revisit them to see how far I’ve gone or how far I’ve fallen. This is where all of the broken pieces of my heart go.

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The world is bigger than I am. I am but a tiny, negligible part of it. Even if I am gone tomorrow, the world will go on.

Whatever is happening right now is no about me. I should not make it so. I should not let my emotions rule and let my brain do its job.
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People always end up hurting me. That’s why I hate people.

I must be a truly bitter person to feel how I feel right now.
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Do you know why I travel? Because sometimes it’s the only thing that keeps me anchored to this world. It’s like a safety rope, a harness, that tethers me to this beautifully chaotic world.

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As long as I can plan my travels, I have a will to go on. The prospect of so many things I have yet to explore is what keeps me going at times when the things that should keep me going starts to drag me down.
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I wonder, how do you keep on living when your reason for living is driving you crazy enough to make you want to stop living.
This is a crazy world. Beautiful but crazy. I just can’t leave it yet no matter how much it hurts me to keep going.
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*I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors. Proofreading via mobile is a challenge for me.*

Deep Breaths

There are times in a person’s life when no amount of positive thoughts could overcome the pain in a person’s heart. The heart must grieve when it needs to grieve. Nothing can convince it to do otherwise.

When your world starts crumbling and you’re desperately clawing at anything you can hold on to. When your heart is breaking and all you can do is watch and feel the pain. When the people you value so much in your life breaks your heart. When you desperately want to gather the pieces but it just keeps breaking to a thousand more. When your heart is grieving it must be allowed to grieve.

My heart grieves for things that I cannot control. My heart grieves for the people I love so much; it grieves to see everyone drifting apart. It grieves because it wants to do something but it’s drowning in sorrow and all it can do is try to float and paddle to survive.

My heart grieves because it feels helpless to stop the things that it doesn’t want to happen. It grieves because people just do things without thinking how much it would hurt the people who loves them. My heart grieves and it is drowning in pain.

My heart is broken in a thousand pieces and drowning in tears. So much pain. So much misery.

Isn’t it amazing how one small thing, the size of a fist, can contain so much pain and sorrow?

All I want is to be happy but all that they give me is misery.

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*I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors. Proofreading via mobile is a challenge for me.*