I do my best to be positive all the time; to look at the bright side of things while doing my best to figure out how to get past the trials I am facing at the moment. It is never easy but I survive.
Sometimes it becomes too much and all you can think of is how hopeless it all seems. There are days when everything that can possibly go wrong, goes wrong and you feel like a mute and hopeless audience as you watch your life slowly break into pieces in front of you. There are days when you feel that there is no way out, your life is a mess and you are a mess. You desperately try to grab on to anything that can keep you afloat while keeping a smile in your face. Sometimes, you can only sit in a corner and cry. Unable to tell anyone anything not because you don’t trust them nor because you want to appear brave but because you just don’t know how to say it.
Isn’t it amusing how you can talk to you friends about the silliest things and yet, sometimes on things that truly matter, you freeze?
I have always known I am prone to depression and that is why I do my best to be logical and analytical all the time. Some people thinks I am cold and distant when I choose to see things in a different perspective. What they don’t know is that, it is my coping mechanism. A defense I have created to protect myself against myself. I have to detach myself from a situation that is hurting me or making me sad because if I let my emotions get the best of me, I would be so depressed and harm myself.
I don’t want to go through those dark moments again. Those moments when you feel like you are drowning and everything seemed so empty. Those days when you feel so numb and the only thing that reminds you that you are still alive is the pain you inflict to yourself. A little bit of danger here, a little slice of that flesh, a little drop of blood. It is crazy. But perverted as it is, the pain is in the only thing keeping you alive.
You know what is worst thing about it? When you desperately want to ask for help but instead of asking for one you find yourself laughing with your friends or telling them silly jokes, all the while feeling empty inside. When you retreat to your own world and the rest of the world go on living, minding their own business and never noticing that silent cries for help. When you silently sew your own torn pieces while being simultaneously torn apart by the world. When you wrestle demons in the dead of the night, fighting a daily battle against your self. When the rest of the world only sees your smiles but not your tears. When they see your broken pieces and choose to look past it but never realizing how those broken pieces are cutting you into a bloody mess.
Sometimes, the demons come back to visit. When they do, I write. When they do, I think of all the happy memories like Harry did when he faced the dementors. When they do, I pray.
I guess it would be folly to believe that you can be completely happy for the rest of your life. We can only do our best to stay as positive as we can and be happy while we can. We can only do our best to fight the demons that haunts us and the shadows that threatens to swallow us. We can only pray that we survive another battle. We can only hope that when the darkness comes again, the world will hear our cries and pull us back before we let go.
I promised myself to be happy as much as I can; to see the beauty of the simplest things and to be happy with it. I promise myself that for as long as I have that ray of sunshine inside me, I will not let go. I promise myself that when the darkness comes again, I will fight it and I will not harm myself again.
So help me God.
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*I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors. Proofreading via mobile is a challenge for me.*