I guess people think I’m a coward for avoiding confrontations. I guess people laugh and say that I’m all bark but can’t really bite. Well, they are probably right. That’s because I choose to be.
See, the thing about me that most people who has only known me for the last five years is that, I have a really bad temper and I can get really really bad when I get angry. See, no one has really seen me angry. They have seen me pissed off but never angry. So as much as I can, I do my best to control my temper. It is not easy but so far, I manage.
To be honest, I avoid confrontations because I don’t like arguments. It only succeeds in pissing me off and can be quite dragging. I prefer fistfights. No, I don’t go for catfights, it is lame and ridiculous. Also, it takes a long time.
The problem with most people is that, they think that I’m a sweet girl who will just run in a corner and cry and ask my friends and family to defend me. No, I don’t always play nice. I am an almost nice girl. I can be a nice girl but don’t expect me to be one.
Never in my whole life did I ever ask my family or friends to defend me. Not when I was bullied in elementary school. Not in high school when I felt most alone and vulnerable. Not in college when I was far from my family and everything I grew up with. And certainly not now. I fight my own fights and I always finish it alone.
When I fight, I do not ask for anyone’s sympathy or support. It is my fight afterall. Innocent and not-so innocent bystanders doesn’t need to get involved.
Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to undestand that just because I am silent doesn’t mean I am afraid. Just because I don’t go looking for a fight or seriously challenge anyone who pisses me off doesn’t mean I can’t keep my words.
I avoid situations that could potentially make me lose control. I do not like hurting people no matter who they are. When I start feeling angry, I isolate myself from people because I don’t want to lash out to anyone regardless if they deserve it or not. To be pissed off at something is one thing, to be truly angry is another.
I am vindictive and I hold a grudge. When I hate someone, it stays. I know it is not a Christian thing to do, that is why I do my best to avoid it. Besides, what will you gain if you give in to anger? For me, nothing. Just a never ending cycle of hatred and guilt.
These days, a lot of things pisses me off and my patience (that is always short to begin with) is stretched to its limit. It is about to snap. So as much as possible I try to surround myself with things that makes me happy in the hope that when another thing or person pisses me off, I don’t snap and go berserk. It is not working very well, mind you.
In the last few years I have trained myself to ignore things that could potentially set me off. It doesn’t always work. My patience is not infinite. I am not God. At some point, it breaks down and poof! People get hurt, things get thrown… you get the picture?
I don’t want to go back to that angry person that I was before. I don’t want to be that person whom people are afraid to approach. I left that person a long time ago. So as much as I can, I will stretch my patience and hope that it doesn’t snap. I will do my best, I just hope the universe cooperates.
Posted via Mobile.
*I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors. Proofreading via mobile is a challenge for me.*