Fact is, I don’t standout. I don’t have a remarkable face that would make people look at me intently. In a crowd, I don’t get noticed. I am not complaining. This arrangement suits me just fine.
Thing is, I don’t like being the center of attention. I prefer to blend in and go unnoticed. I abhor anything that draws attention to me. I like being an observer. It helps me form an unfiltered, untainted opinion of people or situations.
I personally don’t think that there is anything sad about not being inside the circle. If you’re outside you see the whole picture. It’s like watching a game. You get to see all the players and because you’re not part of the game you can analyze every action, you can see how each player play. Everyone’s strategy is visible to you and you get to form your own opinion without influencing the game.
Personally, I don’t judge people based on someone else’s opinion of them. I don’t judge people based on a single incident. I don’t judge them based on what comes out of their mouths. I do, however, form my opinion of someone based on my observations.
I observe people a lot. I analyze their actions, their reactions, and the bits and pieces that they share. As an introvert and a certified socially awkward penguin, this helps me deal with people. You see, I’m not good with this whole socialization thing. I often say and do the wrong things when dealing with people. That’s why I prefer to observe. It is easier for me to interact with people when I have glimpse of their personality and how they react to certain things.
This is my game plan. This is how I deal with my social awkwardness and introversion. To me, if I know more about a person, the less likely I would end up unnecessarily offending them and the more likely I would be able to act normal around then. Whatever “normal” is.
Over the years, I think my personality has evolved into something more acceptable to a lot of people. It is not that I aim to conform (nor do I aim to rebel just to be different). It is more like, I have becone flexible and adaptable.
My personality usually depends on the personality of people I am with. Though still undeniably introverted and hopelessly socially awkward, I am able to flex to my companion’s personality. I can be talkative when I am with people I am comfortable with and who are naturally extroverted. Although I can never match their energy nor sustain long exposure to their kind, I no longer avoid extroverts like the plague.
So far, this game plan is working. I’d still very much prefer to be left alone but I also recognize the importance of spending time with people. So from time to time, I try to get out of my shell and mingle with humans and try to enjoy their company. Most times my interaction with other human beings reinforces my belief that I am better off locking myself in my room but there are also times that I am glad I took the time to get to know people. I guess it just depends on who I’m dealing with.
I don’t have to standout. I don’t aim for the spotlight. I don’t demand for much, truth be told. I just want my little corner-view, my personal space, my solitude. I just want time to think, to observe, to analyze and to evaluate things. Just give me my little corner and we can be friends.