Prevention is better than cure

I guess people think I’m a coward for avoiding confrontations. I guess people laugh and say that I’m all bark but can’t really bite. Well, they are probably right. That’s because I choose to be.

See, the thing about me that most people who has only known me for the last five years is that, I have a really bad temper and I can get really really bad when I get angry. See, no one has really seen me angry. They have seen me pissed off but never angry. So as much as I can, I do my best to control my temper. It is not easy but so far, I manage.

To be honest, I avoid confrontations because I don’t like arguments. It only succeeds in pissing me off and can be quite dragging. I prefer fistfights. No, I don’t go for catfights, it is lame and ridiculous. Also, it takes a long time.

The problem with most people is that, they think that I’m a sweet girl who will just run in a corner and cry and ask my friends and family to defend me. No, I don’t always play nice. I am an almost nice girl. I can be a nice girl but don’t expect me to be one.

Never in my whole life did I ever ask my family or friends to defend me. Not when I was bullied in elementary school. Not in high school when I felt most alone and vulnerable. Not in college when I was far from my family and everything I grew up with. And certainly not now. I fight my own fights and I always finish it alone.

When I fight, I do not ask for anyone’s sympathy or support. It is my fight afterall. Innocent and not-so innocent bystanders doesn’t need to get involved.

Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to undestand that just because I am silent doesn’t mean I am afraid. Just because I don’t go looking for a fight or seriously challenge anyone who pisses me off doesn’t mean I can’t keep my words.

I avoid situations that could potentially make me lose control. I do not like hurting people no matter who they are. When I start feeling angry, I isolate myself from people because I don’t want to lash out to anyone regardless if they deserve it or not. To be pissed off at something is one thing, to be truly angry is another.

I am vindictive and I hold a grudge. When I hate someone, it stays. I know it is not a Christian thing to do, that is why I do my best to avoid it. Besides, what will you gain if you give in to anger? For me, nothing. Just a never ending cycle of hatred and guilt.

These days, a lot of things pisses me off and my patience (that is always short to begin with) is stretched to its limit. It is about to snap. So as much as possible I try to surround myself with things that makes me happy in the hope that when another thing or person pisses me off, I don’t snap and go berserk. It is not working very well, mind you.

In the last few years I have trained myself to ignore things that could potentially set me off. It doesn’t always work. My patience is not infinite. I am not God. At some point, it breaks down and poof! People get hurt, things get thrown… you get the picture?

I don’t want to go back to that angry person that I was before. I don’t want to be that person whom people are afraid to approach. I left that person a long time ago. So as much as I can, I will stretch my patience and hope that it doesn’t snap. I will do my best, I just hope the universe cooperates.

Posted via Mobile.

*I apologize for any spelling or grammatical errors. Proofreading via mobile is a challenge for me.*

Advertisements

Game Plan

Fact is, I don’t standout. I don’t have a remarkable face that would make people look at me intently. In a crowd, I don’t get noticed. I am not complaining. This arrangement suits me just fine.

image
Photo credit to my friend.

Thing is, I don’t like being the center of attention. I prefer to blend in and go unnoticed. I abhor anything that draws attention to me. I like being an observer. It helps me form an unfiltered, untainted opinion of people or situations.

I personally don’t think that there is anything sad about not being inside the circle. If you’re outside you see the whole picture. It’s like watching a game. You get to see all the players and because you’re not part of the game you can analyze every action, you can see how each player play. Everyone’s strategy is visible to you and you get to form your own opinion without influencing the game.

image
Freedom to be you.

Personally, I don’t judge people based on someone else’s opinion of them. I don’t judge people based on a single incident. I don’t judge them based on what comes out of their mouths. I do, however, form my opinion of someone based on my observations.

I observe people a lot. I analyze their actions, their reactions, and the bits and pieces that they share. As an introvert and a certified socially awkward penguin, this helps me deal with people. You see, I’m not good with this whole socialization thing. I often say and do the wrong things when dealing with people. That’s why I prefer to observe. It is easier for me to interact with people when I have glimpse of their personality and how they react to certain things.

image
Truth is, I prefer to spend time with my dog than with some people.

This is my game plan. This is how I deal with my social awkwardness and introversion. To me, if I know more about a person, the less likely I would end up unnecessarily offending them and the more likely I would be able to act normal around then. Whatever “normal” is.

Over the years, I think my personality has evolved into something more acceptable to a lot of people. It is not that I aim to conform (nor do I aim to rebel just to be different). It is more like, I have becone flexible and adaptable.

My personality usually depends on the personality of people I am with. Though still undeniably introverted and hopelessly socially awkward, I am able to flex to my companion’s personality. I can be talkative when I am with people I am comfortable with and who are naturally extroverted. Although I can never match their energy nor sustain long exposure to their kind, I no longer avoid extroverts like the plague.

So far, this game plan is working. I’d still very much prefer to be left alone but I also recognize the importance of spending time with people. So from time to time, I try to get out of my shell and mingle with humans and try to enjoy their company. Most times my interaction with other human beings reinforces my belief that I am better off locking myself in my room but there are also times that I am glad I took the time to get to know people. I guess it just depends on who I’m dealing with.

I don’t have to standout. I don’t aim for the spotlight. I don’t demand for much, truth be told. I just want my little corner-view, my personal space, my solitude. I just want time to think, to observe, to analyze and to evaluate things. Just give me my little corner and we can be friends.

A Girl Can Dream

I don’t dream of crowns or jewels. I don’t dream of sparkling tiaras, beatiful gowns or a sexy little black dress. When I dream, I dream of rooms filled with books of all sizes, shelves upon shelves of stories from distant lands. I dream of a little house in the mountain with a beautiful view of the sea where I can spend my day reading, hiking, and enjoying a life far from the hustles of the city.

image

I dream of waking up in a house by the beach, with the cool morning breeze in my face and the sound of the gentle waves to greet me in the morning. I want to look at the sky as it slowly changes color and greet the rising sun with a smile and cup of hot chocolate in hand.
image

I want to spend my day climbing mountains and exploring caves. I dream of reaching the summit of the highest mountain in the planet and just sit there and look at the world around me.

image

Well… a girl can dream. Probably someday…