Gastrointestinal Wormhole

Inside my stomach is a portal to another dimension. It is a wormhole that can lead us to a whole new universe that is entirely dependent on a steady diet of greasy, calorie-rich, hypertension-inducing food and an endless supply of free soda from our company’s vending machine.

My friends always wonder why I am always hungry even though I eat a lot. Well guys, I have a universe to feed.
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I always get accused of being anorexic. I am so thin my grandmother tears up everytime she sees me. She thinks I don’t eat anything at all. Au contraire, grandma! I happen to have a voracious appetite.

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A facebook conversation with a friend about my appetite and the fact that I am still a hopeless underweight, made me believe in an alternate universe that is somehow connected by the portal in my stomach.

 

Somewhere in this alternate universe is a crazy, anorexic me who believes that looking like a walking skeletal system is the epitome of beauty. The only thing that keeps her alive is the me in this universe.

This should explain why I get hungry faster than normal people and why I never gain weight despite it. I basically eat for two people! I should order for two from now on.

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I find the wormhole and alternate universe theory more acceptable than the alternative: I probably have an army of worms in my stomach. Come to think of it, there’s probably a whole country of worms inside with their own government and corrupt wormy leaders. Ewwww!

And this is goodbye: A Love Letter

Dear Soda,

Our relationship has come to a point where I have become obsessed with you. A day without you is a day of utter confusion and complete chaos. I am, without a doubt, addicted. I have become a slave to your sweet, cold temptations.

I have tried, time and again, to free myself from this bewitched state. But like every other hopelessly inlove mortal on earth with a slight case of stockholm syndrome, I always find myself succumbing to your charms and running back to your arms. No matter how far I try to run, I always find myself snuggled sweetly in your carbonated sweetness.

There is no easier way to say this. I am breaking up with you. I am breaking this cycle of temptation and mindless submission. I am breaking this love affair that has caused me so much happiness and hospital visits.  Yes, the time has come for us to say goodbye.

I am not going to pretend and say, “it’s not you, it’s me!” because this is totally about you. But yes, this is also about me. We just can’t be together anymore. The pain has already outweighed the happiness. Our love is strong but my kidneys are not. So we must say goodbye.

I love you but I must turn my back so I can become a better person. I have loved you too much. I must now learn to love myself more.

Goodbye!

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TL;DR- UTI, too much soda. I need to stop.